End of Term Tidings

By Liz Fordham

As the Michaelmas term draws to a close, Liz reminds us of the importance of attending to our own wellbeing, as well as to the wellbeing of others, over the Christmas holiday.

‘Love hunger’ at Christmas

As I struggled through hoards of shoppers at a Christmas market recently, I was mindful of the over-indulgence that I know I am often guilty of at Christmas. As I reflected on this, I found my thoughts straying to the ‘love hunger’ that some children may experience at this time of year. ‘Love hunger’ – the need to feel seen, heard, valued and wanted – will be a constant throughout the year for some children. As teachers, you will be familiar with it in the behaviour you experience in your classrooms – needy, restless, sulky, demanding – these children will do anything to draw you into their world and to get you to notice them and not the 30 other children in your class.

Christmas can be particularly hard for these children. They are surrounded by so much evidence of what they want, not in material terms, but in terms of the unconditional love, unfettered joy, unrestricted time and unlimited care that they see around them. Joining the dots and making the link between what they are seeing with their eyes and the acute pain that they are experiencing from the gaping ‘love hunger’ that they feel inside, is just too big and leap. Finding the words to put to this pain and to communicate their sadness to you is impossible!

They will show you though. You are their safe space, their anchor in the storms of life. You are there, every day, with your cheery smile, your ‘good morning’ greeting, your consistent presence in the classroom. You notice how they are feeling, you take the time to ask how they are, you see that they are feeling sad, overwhelmed, lonely, disappointed – it’s who you are, it’s what you do, you’re a teacher, you CARE.

For some children, you will never be enough, their ‘love hunger’ goes too deep. Does that mean that you don’t try? Absolutely not! If you had a child in your class who was physically hungry, whilst you may not be able to be there for their every meal, you would at least ensure that they had a school lunch, that they ate whilst they were under your watch.

As a therapist who spends a lot of time with ‘love hungry’ children, my invitation to you as we approach the Christmas festivities and lose ourselves in the busyness (and the fun) of Christmas, is this. Please take a moment to notice the children in your schools who not only have a rumble in their tummies for all the chocolates and goodies that come with Christmas, but also for those who have a rumble in their hearts for the nurture and care that sits at the heart of the Christmas message. As I said, you’re a teacher, by definition, you care! Whilst you may not be able to care enough to fully satisfy the love hunger that some children experience, the little bit that each one of you does give – a smile, a word of encouragement, an extra five minutes, a place on the stage in the Christmas production – will go a long way in helping these love hungry children to feel seen, heard, valued and wanted!

A different type of food this Christmas

Christmas is a time of huge indulgence (some might even say, overindulgence) when it comes to what we eat and drink. One of the analogies that I often use when talking about wellbeing is the idea of ‘emotional’ food; people and things that encourage, satisfy and nurture both our hedonic wellbeing (hobbies, holidays, job satisfaction) as well as our eudaimonic wellbeing (person to person connection, a sense of purpose, a place of inner calm). Ensuring that we have enough sources of emotional food in the same way that we focus on our need for ‘physical’ food, is essential.

Experiencing burnout recently has made me realise how easy it is to lose focus on this (the phrase ‘do as I say not as I do’ springs to mind here)! However, time off the treadmill has given me the opportunity to reflect on the sources of my own emotional nourishment. I have come to realise (and this has been hard), that some aspects of my life that I thought were feeding me, were in fact, not. Or at least, the balance between what I got back versus what I had to give, was not equal. I’ve had to let things go, things that I enjoyed, but that were draining, not sustaining me. I’ve also had to accept the loss of some people and friendships too – it hasn’t been easy, boundaries rarely are!

As a therapist, I give a lot of myself to my clients – it’s my job. I have come to realise, however, that it’s not just what I do, it’s who I am. Giving of myself is ‘normal’. It’s a trait I see in many of the teachers I work with too. Going the extra mile for students, giving up lunches and breaks, working into the night to mark essays, exam scripts etc., – it’s not just what they do, it’s who they are! I already knew this was the case, but the data I have got back from the field research I have done as part of my EdD recently has given empirical weight to this tacit awareness.

For most of us, Christmas will involve lots of food – it always does. In fact, I have already joined a gym in anticipation of the pounds I will need to lose post-Christmas! Following my burnout experience, however, what I am also now pondering is what Christmas will do to my emotional food sources? Will the busyness of Christmas involve even more giving and even less receiving. Will it mean that I will have even less time to get the emotional nourishment that I need?

These are questions that I am putting to the teachers I work with too – not by way of challenge, but by way of care. And I am putting them to you now in this post. One of my many mantras in life is ‘knowledge is power’ – we may not like what we know, but when we know it, we can do something about it! Knowing that you are someone who gives of yourself, that Christmas will demand even more of your resources and that it may also distance you from your sources of emotional food, means that you can think about where your nourishment comes from as you prepare to head into this busy time of the year. Equipped with this knowledge, you then have the ‘power’ to pro-actively stock up on your emotional larder as you begin preparations to stock up on your kitchen larder. My hope is that in doing so, you will be able to ‘do as I say not as I did’ so that the dark days of burnout don’t dampen the lights of your Christmas spirit.

Liz is the CEO and founder of Making Me, a charity dedicated to teaching children to thrive through emotional wellbeing programmes in schools https://makingme.org.uk/.